myhollypocket

Aug. 28th, 2011

12:37 PM

in chronological order:

steven told me that he thinks im amazing
i went to my melanies house and got ready for kathryn's boyfriends birthday party
drank drank drank
made out with a man named walter, who turns out to be a player. which im actually happy about because i dont have to worry about liking him or keeping up appearances.
in the morning everyone texts me if i slept with walter. thanks guys. because having a kid instantly means im easy.
got a job at baskin robins.
cried when i left george at the daycare.
not sure if my coworkers like me
not sure if i will have to work on my birthday, which makes a third consecutive sucky birthday.

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being a single mother does not make me a slut. or dumb. or a bad person.
but thats what you think it makes me.
so fuck you. hard and deep. and i hope you get pregnant and you cant stand your baby's father, so you two dont get married. and i hope all other societies make you feel lonely and stupid, and you cry with your child in your arms at night because youre a failure of a person.

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i guess i should write this down.

Feb. 18th, 2011 at 10:41 PM

on monday david and i went to the doctor, and they told me that they wanted me induced by friday. then the doctor looked at me and said "if you dont want to be induced, have sex. lots of sex" i wish he didnt say that. david and i fought half way home, and didnt even speak the other half. i cried in my room when we got home..im not exactly sure why.
tuesday- we went to the hospital, and hooked me up to machines to make sure george was doing okay. david couldnt stop talking about "inducing" me the natural way. i told him that i felt disgusting, and havent been able to even touch myself for months. he laughed and said i was over reacting.
wednesday- i binged and cried some in my room. the whole family was gone all day, so i gathered up what some would call courage and slept with david twice.
thursday- we went back to the hospital and i was connected to more machines. i was almost convinced to be induced that night, if it wasnt for the fact that i didnt have makeup or my hair done. or that i wanted to sleep, even though i probably slept only a few hours that night.
friday- mom, david and i got to the hospital late, which is no surprise to the tabor family. a sweet intern was having trouble hooking me up to the machines, so i gave her some direction and told her which part goes where. she told me about how she watched a c-section and how it would mean a lot to her if she could watch me giving birth. i told her about how if i gave birth while she was still here, i wouldnt mind it and that we're all students.
my nurse came in after a few hours and put a tiny pill up my vagina. after she left, i told david about how i used to feel like my vagina was such a sacred place, but now it seems like everyone has been there, and how it makes me feel so used. he didnt understand. he told me about how theyre professionals and how im foolish for thinking so crudely. about an hour later, contractions started to come and then stopped an hour later. we walked around the hospital, i was in socks and a hospital gown.
two hours later they hooked me up to the machines again and gave me another pill. contractions came and left, just like the last time. we walked around the hospital again, but this time we stopped so many times because the contractions came back, and they were much stronger.
when my nurse checked me again, she said that george has dropped more, and that i was dilated to four or five so i could move to an actual room. by now it was about 4pm.
around two hours later, the hard labor started. contractions hit me like a bus, and i kept telling david that i wanted to go home. mel came and even though she was SUPPOSED to help me with lamaze, no one reminded me to breathe or to relax or that i should take it one contraction at a time. she kept rubbing me- which i specifically told her to NOT do- and i vomited everything i ate the day before. thanks, mel. she told me that this labor could go on forever and that i should get and epidural. i freaked out and asked for one. my nurse came, and i freaked again and told her i didnt want one. and then mel kept telling me about how her friend was in the hard part of labor for TWELVE HOURS. UM WHAT? EPIDURAL PLEASE?! i think my nurse got too annoyed, and ended her shift early.
my mom came in just as my new nurse arrived. i dont remember melanie leaving, but i know that when she left mom got me breathing again, and told the nurse to forget about the epi, but some narcotic would be nice. immediately after i got the pain meds i passed out.
now heres where it starts getting confusing, and i lost all track of time.
the nurse woke me up to ask for my permission to give me pitocin. i didnt care what went in my body, i wanted to go back to sleep. she checked me, and said i was at six. i probably wouldve cried if i comprehended what she said. she gave me the smallest amount of pitocin that she could. things started jumping around and all i can remember is breathing deep and the pain that i couldnt get a break of.
i remember the nurse coming to check me, and i was at 9. oh 9, why cant you be 10? after a while of just being at 9, they decided to make me go on my side, and then my water broke. how do you know when your water breaks? trust me, youll know. i made them run and get the nurse hoping that also got me to 10. no, it didnt. they threw me on my other side, and i gripped the handle so tightly that my nails dug into the palm of my hand and i almost started to bleed. i kept calling the nurse in, about every few seconds. i remember trying desperately not to push. and that with each contraction my entire body was screaming "PUSH, DAMN YOU" but i had to get the parts of my body that i could control to relax.
did i mention my doctor wasnt even there? well, apparently ALL obgyns dont come until THE ABSOLUTE LAST SECOND, and most girls end up waiting for them to get there- lol wut? and by now its about 10 at night...
my nurse mustve gotten sick of running back and forth, because she made me get on my back and start pushing. i remember that she said that might help. youre supposed to push with the contractions, to make it more effective. but i didnt care. so push, i did.
after much pushing they called my doctor. suddenly EVERY nurse in the labor and delivery section of the hospital was in my room. they laid down tarps, and broke the bed down in half and did so much more. i remember this because i was fascinated with how fast the room changed. so after pushing and pushing and pushing, and wanting so badly for it all to stop, about a quarter size of george's head could be seen. they said to push like i was pooping. so i did. they said i was doing it wrong, so i said "WELL HOW OFTEN DO YOU POOP ON YOUR BACK?" and david couldnt stop laughing.
somewhere in all of this my doctor arrived, and was really pissed that i wasnt as far along as he wanted. am i joking? no. i remember looking at him, and him being visibly upset. i wont be sending you a thank you card...asshole.
so im pushing and pushing and pushing. and somewhere in all of this i stop caring about contractions and i just lay there for a couple minutes with all the nurses counting loudly to ten. look ladies, im tired and hungry, and i dont really feel like holding my breath for ten seconds and pushing for two minutes. but then george starts crowning, and the doctor takes over. PLEASE NOTE: crowning makes you feel like your vagina is going to rip in half, and you want so badly to push more, but if you do then you tear. about here is where i said "im hungry" and david laughed some more. lets see if i can keep this comedy routine up.
push 1. he crowns more.
stop.. stretch.
push 2. crown more
stop stretch
push 3 4 5 6. crown more
george's head is out
push 7 8. most of the body is out
push 9, you have a baby.
jackson george tabor. 8 pounds 6 ounces. 20 inches. born at 23:51 on february 11, 2011.

they whisked him away and cleaned him. did all the stuff that they do to babies. and i remember thinking "why isnt he crying yet?" immediately before he started crying.
my doctor started pushing on my uterus, and delivered my placenta. i even said out loud, "so thats what a placenta looks like" then he started doing the stitches on my vagina. im not sure why, but he didnt even apply a local numbing cream. yeah, that hurt.
david was crying somewhere in all of this, and i remember looking around the room for my mom. i figured her adrenaline rush was making her ill, and she had to leave. i didnt blame her.
i told them not to wrap him, and that i wanted to breastfeed right there. they handed me this blue baby, and left.
david and mom felt bad because i was shaking so bad, so they piled all their coats on me.
my nurse came back in with a sandwich and some orange juice. they took george to the nursery. mom and david decided to leave, and david took all of my stuff.. thanks david. my nurse cleaned me up, and asked me if i wanted a catheter. i almost screamed "no." she grabbed a bed pan, and asked me to pee. i couldnt. she grabbed on of those old people chairs that have a toilet in it, and i still couldnt. she helped me to the bathroom and closed the door. it felt like my entire vagina had fallen out.
they wheeled me to another part of the hospital, and i shared a room with some mexican girl that had the tv on too loud.
george slept in my arms all night. and i went to sleep at about five in the morning.
at eight almost exactly, i was woken by some mexican guy that cursed every few seconds when he talked to the mexican girl. he didnt leave for a few hours. they were watching cartoons, and i changed it to the news. take that mexi-cunts.
i slept a few hours more after that. a new nurse came in and helped me into the shower, and then later helped me breastfeed- which i didnt figure out until i was at home for three whole days.

no one came to visit me until around 11. i was to tired to remember much of it, except vague memories of a baby sleeping in my arms.

its taken the better part of the week for me to be able to walk around normally. i wouldnt take all of that pain or self-consciousness back for anything. hes perfect. and im in love.

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to do list:

Dec. 31st, 2010 at 1:27 PM

2010-
~~move out of texas.~~
be self sufficient.
be okay with being single.
~~like myself.~~
~~have more friends.~~
~~save more money.~~

2011-
try my best to be a good mother.
dont dye/ cut my hair.
be self sufficient.
figure out a way to get rid of stretch marks.
be happier.
be more outdoors.